“Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow. The important thing is not to stop questioning.” – Albert Einstein

It feels like 2020 is the year that is never going to end, yet at the same time it seems like the end of the year is coming upon us like the blink of an eye. There is so much uncertainty ahead. My personal social media feeds seem to be two sides of the same coin constantly competing with each other.

Trump…Biden….

Covid-19 is dangerous….Covid-19 is just the flu…

And I’m just sitting over here with my head spinning.

I’ve spent the last 8-9wks doing virtual learning with my two children often spending hours trying to get them through their lesson plans. This was a choice that I made because I am high risk. The last few years I have ended up in the ICU with lung failure due to chronic eosinophillic and allergic asthma exasperated by one of the many little bugs that children like to bring home from school. Let’s face it…no matter how clean you are, no matter how “safe” you try to be….children are walking petri dishes. Last year it was the common cold that landed me in the ICU. Literally…the rhinovirus. I wish I was making this up, but I’m not. So when they offered virtual learning I signed up.

My days are now filled with complete organization. If it weren’t for my phone keeping track of everything I would likely have post it notes hanging from various places in my home. For those who are still sending your children to in-person instruction…you think I am kidding…I wish I was.

Having special needs children comes with special requirements. I have a shelf set up to hold all their school books along with a variety of other learning materials that I have either made or found on the internet and printed out. We have 9 pre-scheduled Zoom’s per week…and that is JUST for special education and speech therapy. Add doctors, psychiatry, and etc…and I can easily spend 7-10 hours per day either teaching, scheduling, Zooming, or emailing. It….is…exhausting.

But…at the end of the day, I know that I am lucky. We are lucky.

I know a lot of people have yet to know someone who has been diagnosed with Covid. I know others who have lost family members to it. I, personally, know people who have had Covid. I think the thing that is being lost on BOTH sides of the aisle is that these people are not just a number. They are people. Whether you believe one way or another…these people are suffering. Some are dying. Mask, no mask….I don’t really care where you stand on the issue. I just once would like to see people take a moment to realize that the people who are most at risk…and those who have died, or will die as the virus rages….are not, and never have been…disposable.

I don’t pretend to know the answers. I honestly don’t know if masks really do anything. But I know it isn’t worth the risk when I’m inside a store standing next to someone I do not know isn’t wearing a mask. I know that it is just a minor act to spray disinfectant on anything coming out of my home. Every little bit helps, right? Because at the end of the day…I don’t want to catch Covid-19…and I don’t want to die….but am I going to wear a mask outside? Not unless I’m asked to or I have to spend more than 15 minutes within 6ft of someone. My o2 stats do actually decrease in a mask (I have a sensor) and breathing meds are both expensive, but also sometimes not in stock. I don’t ever want to run into a situation where I have 0 access to my meds.

So I spend a lot of each day telling myself to stay hopeful…and Just Breathe. Because I can’t change what is out of my control.

I’m heading into my “slower” photography season, and part of me is sad. All the Covid-19 shut downs seriously effected my ability to get behind a camera this year and I do, honestly, miss it. I’ve already had to cancel my January 2021 boudoir event due to the increasing Covid-19 infection rate and because I honestly believe we are heading for another shut down. Last time I checked Indiana was over 9% infection rate over a 7 day period…which I believe may be the highest we have been, but I’m not 100% on that. Schools in my area are already starting to switch to hybrid or virtual learning…Sorry guys, but welcome to another form of hell on Earth. Welcome to my world.

Just breathe, Christi. Just breathe. You are lucky and this too shall pass.

Throughout all of this I have learned a few things:

1.) Even the most introverted, borderline agoraphobic person is not meant to spend months on end cooped up in their home with only a few minor excursions. If I was ever imprisoned and had to choose between life in solitary confinement or the death penalty…pump up my arm, bro!
2.) Even the most devoted, involved mother can get ABSOLUTELY SICK of her kids. Yes, you love them…but eventually you sit back and wonder about the strength of duct tape and whether it would hold them to the wall or silence their constant need for asking “Who, what, where, when, or WHY?” (Side Note: No, I wouldn’t actually duct tape them to the wall. I think that *might* classify as child abuse in Indiana…but if anyone can point me in the direction of a padded room I can check myself into I would be forever grateful.)
3.) Kroger Grocery Pickup > Walmart Grocery Pickup 100% of the time.
4.) Amazon is completely dysfunctional and they need a heavy hitting competitor. Seriously…I’m STILL not getting all my stuff on time.
5.) I am 100% completely dependent on caffeine at this point. Columbian on ice 3/4 coffee and 1/4 french vanilla sweetener. Please and thank you.
6.) I am competing with someone in my area over the local microwave popcorn stock. (Yes, I have an addiction.) Like seriously…every store seems to be struggling to keep it on the shelves.
7.) How have I not developed a drinking problem? I mean, seriously…liquor stores are “essential” businesses here so I could have just hooked up a wine IV drip and called it a day at this point.
8.) Why do we pay school book fees when we have literally used 2 books per child….out of a half a dozen each?
9.) Common core math sucks. Convince me otherwise.
10.) If you can’t tell…I lost my sanity somewhere around #2. Send help…and hot strippers. (jk, kinda)

On that note, I’m sure most who have read this are either completely appalled, concerned, or amused…so I’ll run along now that I have “blogged” some of my insanity away. Maybe it is unprofessional to talk like this, but eh….its 2020 still. I am who I am and I make no apologies for it.

What is it the kids say these days? Yolo? (My age is showing!)

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